A New Sketch for the Two Ronnies
(Yes, I know the fat one’s dead but it’s such a great format I couldn’t resist it)

In a pub. RB and RC are sitting at a table.  RC is dressed in working mans’ clothes speaks with a yokels’ voice and has a half empty pint of bitter in front of him.  RB is dressed in a smart suit and has a large G and T and is speaks in a loud and fairly pompous way.

RC:     Where’s your camper Mr. Ramper?

RB:     It’s with a mechanic Mr. Manic.

RC:     What’s the matter with your camper Mr. Ramper?   

RB:     The Mechanic Mr. Manic says the damper on my camper dampers down my camper like and empty wicker hamper

RC:     So how’s he going to tamper with your campers’ damper Mr. Ramper?

RB:     He’ll attack it in a manner with a very lengthy spanner and a rather heavy hammer.           

RC:     He sounds a little manic your mechanic Mr. Ramper, in a panic with the damper on your camper.
RB:     The mechanic’s in a panic Mr. Manic as the damper on the camper with which he’s going to tamper has a very rusty nut.

RC:     But a very rusty nut is better being cut ‘cos a very lengthy spanner and a rather heavy hammer delivering a slammer will bend the damper on your camper and likely break the nut.

RB:     You sound like a mechanic Mr. Manic which is tragic as the magic my mechanic tries to work is hampered with the damper on my camper with which he’s trying to tamper by the slammer that he downs and I mean booze.

RC:     Your mechanic downs a slammer when he’s just about to tamper with the damper on your camper with a very lengthy spanner and a rather heavy hammer it’s surely just a recipe to lose?

RB:     My mechanic Mr. Manic is such a classic tragic that when he tampers with my camper, that is to say the damper after several heavy slammers he lays beneath and promptly starts to snooze.

RC:     He’s a vamper Mr. Ramper and he’s such a classic tragic that no amount of magic is ever going to cure him from his blues.

RB:     He’s a vamper and a stamper with a jolly filthy temper and he used to be a clamper, then a curer of distemper and the captain of a steamer but they found he was a dreamer so they kicked him in the creamer and he soon became a screamer and a schemer with a very bad demeanour whenever he’s been asked to stand in queues

RC:     Why not sell the camper Mr. Ramper, even with it’s broken damper you could get enough to pamper the lovely Mrs. Ramper and buy a lovely hamper: for when he rings the till and does your bill I wouldn’t like to be inside your shoes.

RB:     I’d be very sad to lose it just because he has abused it and the radiant Mrs. Ramper who would miss our lovely camper, even with its broken damper would never feel so pampered by any amount of hampers that life would have a dampener - it was she that made me choose it and then to regularly use it – but anyone that views it would surely also choose it. But it’s probably the route that I should choose.    

RC:     So what’s the price you would be asking for your camper that’s been basking with a mechanic who is manic and really rather tragic with his temper and distemper and his hammer and his spanner not to mention all the slammers and his awful lack of manners that his panic that’s been masking all the boozing that the silly fellow did?

RB:     Well now Mr. Manic since my boozy old mechanic is about to break my camper while trying to fix the damper the prospect of a hamper is helping in a manner that I couldn’t have predicted and because I’m so addicted and constricted and afflicted it’s happily predicted that what damage is inflicted will kill my poor old camper and the rascal will just scamper so there you are just give me fifty quid. 

RC:     Well now Mr. Ramper, since it’s such a lovely camper even with its broken damper if the fellows going to scamper when his hammer and his spanner and his simply awful manner have ignored the daily planner and done what I predicted and surely be convicted as the damage is inflicted I have to say that forty is my bid.

RB Picks up a phone and talks into it

RB:     Well now my mechanic I’m with a Mr. Manic and he’s got me in a panic about my lovely dear old camper and its jolly rotten damper and your plan to take a hammer and a very lengthy spanner, he says that if you tamper in such a silly fashion my complexion will be ashen and my temper full of passion, the bill will reach the ceiling and I’ll fall over, reeling from the overwhelming feeling I’ve been done...

RB fades into the background mimicking continuing to talk to his mechanic.  RC turns to camera.
RC:     That told the old mechanic about the sense of panic that I’ve given Mr. Ramper with his very lovely camper and its piffling little damper that I could fix in seconds but now my game plan beckons there really is no other as that silly old mechanic and me the Mr. Manic we share a lovely mother as he’s actually my brother so in a sense it’s twice the fool’s been done.        

RB:     …so sod the silly damper I’m going to sell the camper and I’m going to buy a hamper for the radiant Mrs. Ramper and the helpful Mr. Manic who might be a mechanic has now saved me from my panic as my heart rate is returning from its churning and its burning, from being quite concerning and even if you’re yearning I’m glad to say the deal’s been done.

RC speaks to camera simultaneously as RB says ‘deals been done’

RC:     He’s been done.